When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
