For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
