The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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