Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
