I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
