i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
