i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
