I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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