pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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