I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
