when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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