dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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