bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
