My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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