i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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