Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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