Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
