I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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