just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
being pregnant is like rehab
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Randomize
