I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
