I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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