neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
