I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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