You just made me feel so damn special
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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