What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We need a shit load of segways right now
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
