i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
