What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
