I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
