walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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