when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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