Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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