i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
