i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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