gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
