Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
