i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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