I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
