All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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