every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
