i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
