I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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