Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
