i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
