There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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