Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
