i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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