i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
