my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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