Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
and she was petting her beer can
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
