dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
